Yesterday was a good day, as far as calories go. I may have went over but not by much. I had a good breakfast, a decent lunch(pepperoni pizza lunchable. lol) and a nice dinner (hamburger stew). Also, I didn't drink anything but water, unsweet tea and the cute little fruit drink that comes in the lunchables. Now, as far as fitness goes...I didn't do to well. I didn't really have time to do anything because as soon I got home from work I had to write a paper I should have already done. Then I had class and by time I got home I was just to tired to do much of anything. Now, before you go saying that I am just making excuses, I had been up since 5:30 am yesterday and by time I got home from class it was almost 10pm. Just enough time to eat and go to bed. But, I didn't go to bed till midnight. So technically I did have time to workout. Yeah, I kind of hate myself for that.
But what I really hate myself about is how today turned out. I slept until 11:30 this morning and even after I woke up I laid in bed and watched tv and eventually fell back asleep...I blame it on the rain but that is only another excuse. And even once I got up and awake and stopped napping I still sat in bed watching tv, painting my nails and playing on the computer. It's like I didn't even care that I had time to get in a good work out. But what did I do? I sat around all day and about to go to bed. I should be ashamed of myself. And as far as eating healthy today...I blew that out of the water. I didn't eat breakfast and then mom brought home a pizza, a whole one of 8 slices just for me.
I should have said no. I should have just had a few slices and then put the rest in the trash or give it to the dog. But no, I ate four pieces and then picked all the toppings off the last four. Really? What was I thinking. And then, I had a piece of pie, which I had another after dinner and a bowl of ice cream while watching even more T.V.
I don't know what I am thinking. I just shrug my shoulders and do it anyways. I know that I am working towards something. I can see my future, or the future I want, in my head. I can see the beautiful house that I want to live in and the kind of stuff I want to eat. I can see myself standing in my huge kitchen cooking up a gorgeous meal for my family that is coming over to eat dinner with me. Haha. But, the more days I have like today the further away that dream seems to be. I want it so bad. I want to be healthy and slim and athletic. I want to buy the clothes that really fit who I am instead of buying clothes because that is all that fits me. I have noticed that more clothes that I like fit me...but I think it has a lot to do with the world realizing the weight issues and making bigger clothes. I don't want to be one of the reasons that people are making bigger clothes for. I want to be one of the healthy people bursting with energy encouraging others to come on a run with me.
I can see it. I can see it all but I can only see the end result. For some reason I can't see that path to help me get there. And the worst thing about all this is I think I actually do this to myself. Self sabotage because I know that as soon as college is over I am free to join the military but only if I meet their weight requirements. I only have about four months to get to where I need to be and if I don't step up I am never going to make it. I just can't find that drive. I get to where things are looking good and I am really starting to get the hang of things and something happens. Something goes off in my head. And I lose it all. At times I lose the will to even wake up in the mornings. I keep wondering if something is wrong with me. I don't want to be stuck in this life I am in right now. I want my own home and out of my parents house. I want to love running and go running everyday. I want to do 50 push ups and 200 sit ups. And I want to feel comfortable in a skirt. I want it all. But I can't find the drive...My wants should be enough right?
I feel like I am standing at this brick wall with no way around or over it. I am losing hope. I am just tired of fighting. I know that life is all about fighting for what you want but sometimes a person just runs out of fight.
Maybe I can find my fight again. That's all I am missing. I know what I want, I just have to find the path that leads me to my ending right? Too bad there is no yellow brick road for this one. Unless, I am already on the yellow brick road and I just found myself in the middle of drugged poppy field. Only, this yellow brick road doesn't come with a good Witch to cover the poppy flowers with snow. Where is my good witch!
Until we meet again
*Heather*
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
