That's it. I am done. I keep looking in the mirror thinking how much weight I need to lose. I remind myself that I need to work out, I need to run, I need to do my school work (oh...right. Stick to fitness). I keep telling myself I need to drink more water. AND PUT DOWN THE CHOCOLATE! And with everything I use the same excuse.
"I am bummed, in a bad mood, depressed and sitting around doing nothing, drinking sodas, neglecting my workout and eating a bunch of chocolate is going to make me feel better."
Sure it makes me feel better in the moment. But at the end of the day I look back and I want to smack myself in the forehead like my mom used to do when I was little and shout "Be healed!" I have a demon living in me and its name is Heather...oh wait, thats me. Dang it. There is no excuse is there?! Of course not. Its all me.
I am the one that puts that chocolate in my mouth and turns my nose up to water. I am the one that comes up with the excuse that my stomach hurts and the only thing that is going to help is a pepsi...Oh yeah, I have used that one a lot hear lately. OR...it's okay to drink a pepsi, I haven't had one today. WRONG!
All it ever leads too is me laying in bed at night thinking how flabby my booty is getting and how bad I look in a tank top and shorts. In the morning while I am getting dressed I notice how fat I look in my work uniform and how I "need" a jacket because I am cold, when in reality the only reason I keep the jacket it on is because I feel like it covers the fatness that shows its self so well.
And you would think that after all that I would get off my lazy but and break a sweat at every moment I can. Oh, no. See, that is when MORE excuses come out. "I need to finish my homework." "I am so tired, I didn't sleep well last night." "I didn't drink enough water to sweat today." "It's almost bed time, I don't have time for a 30 minute run." I could go on all day about my "excuses."
In reality it is all self sabotage. I know what happens when I lose weight. A lot of things happen! I can finally move on into the reality I have always seen myself stepping into. I gain confidence! I can no longer use my weight as an excuse as to why I am still single. Oh, yeah. \But what it all really boils down to...I do not do change very well. Never have. I hate when things change and I try so hard, so very, very hard, to keep things going the same as they are now. And all that effort wasted because I wake up and realize that, though I tried really hard and gave it all I had, everything still changed. Evidently I still have not accepted the fact that I can not stop life from moving on. But I can stop myself from moving on with life.
Why would I do that? Why would I want to stay back in some fake reality that could fall apart like a house of cards in a wind storm.
I have to take control, because I can. I have control of my life. And when I pry my eyes open I will see that I can do everything I ever wanted to do. I can run for an hour without stopping. I can become the person I want to be, the person I was meant to be. And I have not lost any time. This is how it was supposed to happen. It is who I am. It hurts to accept change, but in the end I break through. That is who I am and always will be.
I just have to be stronger than the change. Maybe, I should be ahead of the change. Maybe that is the secret.
So this week I will prove to myself that things are going to change. I will prove to myself that I am strong and I can take on the world!
And just so I can keep on things I will give myself a list of things I need to remember.
- Food is fuel and should only be used as such.
- Water is key to living.
- Chocolate is not a food group. But it is okay to treat yourself every once in a while.
- It feels GREAT to work out and work up a sweat.
- As mom always told me, I can do anything I put my mind too.
- I am not losing weight to join the military. I am losing so I can live a healthy life.
